When to Say When...

Part of my job as a special educator is to see within the student for the best part of them. This allows me to connect with them and gives me the motivation to keep pushing them to succeed. This is the part of my job that I actually do the best. I never, ever give up on a kid. Never.

But that's at work. Not real life. Not really.

So I pose the question: When do you know it's time to give up on somebody?

Source

This isn't a "poor me" post. Far from it. I realize that there are millions of people out there, in toxic relationships, some formed by DNA, others by chance, who are struggling with the need to just say, "enough of your shit." Parents of drug addicts, children of alcoholics, friends of those who only take, mates of those taken for granted; all of them likely wonder when enough will become too much.

When do you allow yourself to say, "enough of your shit"? When will self-preservation kick in, and allow you to turn and walk away from someone who no longer deserves to have you in their life?

I believe love is one of the most nourishing and most self-destructive forces humans encounter. The same love that can hold you up and make every single color ten shades brighter is the same as the love that attaches you to someone that siphons off your life force drop by drop.

People will say, "those loves are not the same." Yes. They are. One lives in the light. The other lives in the darkness.

Love is about connection. Plain and simple. And sometimes the connections we form are with those people who will only drain, not replenish. We find ourselves lessened, marginalized when we are with them, which only forces us to desire more the very thing they refuse to, or can't, give back.

But will they change? This is a legitimate question. It connects back to my point above about being an effective special educator. You need to find the good in people, even when they try to hide it. And when you do, it becomes very easy to believe more in the possibilities of them being that amazing person, rather than accepting the reality of who they are choosing to be at that moment--especially if who they are is breaking your heart.

"there is no amount of love, compassion or patience that will help heal a person who wants to remain broken"

One of the hardest lessons I had to learn in 2013 was that there is no amount of love, compassion and patience that will help heal a person who wants to remain broken. It is profoundly sad, it is heartbreaking, it is soul-crushing to watch someone insist on remaining in pain and refuse their potential. But there is absolutely nothing you can do if they insist on living in that dark place.

Well, that's not entirely true. You can choose to walk away. But it is hard. So hard. So easy to think that maybe just one more dose of love, one more connected moment, one more...something, will be the miracle.

You can choose to walk away--you. Only you. And that is OK. It's OK to feel like the burden of caring for a person who can't care for themselves is like a thousand pound weight gone from your shoulders. It's OK to mourn the person you hoped they could be, as long as you wipe your tears and realize that you a mourning an idea, not a person. It's OK to walk away.

What's not OK is to believe that the damaged version of yourself that was created when you were with that person is the real you. It's not. It's a wounded you. Worn down by trying too hard against an immovable force. Remember who you were before you met this person. Allow yourself some rest. Find your song. Find your smile. And leave behind those that would smother your spark.

Thank You for Being My Dog

Today is my dog's 5th Birthday. I've tried to forbid her from getting older, but despite my belief that magic does exist, I've been unable to prevent the inevitable. She is now in doggy middle-age. Not that you'd know it to look at her.

People who don't have pets really don't understand people that celebrate their pets birthdays. And that's OK, because, frankly, we don't understand *you* either.

And even though Zoe doesn't speak human, except for "ride", "out" and, "timbit", I'd still like to take this chance to thank her for the honor of allowing me to be her human companion. Maybe I'm really thanking the universe for sending her to me, and I know *it* is listening. So thank you, Zoe. Thank you for filling my heart again with love after losing my beloved Jasper. Thank you for loving me, even when I am uncomfortably human. Thank you for curling up to my side when I was sobbing the life I knew away during my divorce. Thank you for celebrating my new life with so much joy and enthusiasm. Thank you for waking me each day with sloppy kisses, even when I am screaming in desperation for you to stop sliming me.

If you have a dog, or any pet, make sure you let them know how important they are to you. You are blessed with the closest thing we have to angels walking on earth. Angels we need to pick up poop for, but angels nonetheless.

Best use of a new camera...EVER!

Wow, it's been a month since I posted? What the heck have I been doing? Oh, that's right...enjoying my summer! I should warn you know that if you love dogs, you will love this post. If you don't love dogs...what the hell is wrong with you?

Sadly, my old trusty, refurbished, 5 megapixel camera decided to bite the dust recently. I had planned on getting a new camera, just not right now. Being a teacher means being broke the last couple weeks of August and the first week of September, and shelling out a few hundred for a camera right now was not what I had planned for. But the universe doesn't really care what we want, so it killed my camera. Thanks, universe, you're a peach.

Why I am babbling about a camera? Because my new one has a setting where you can take "rapid burst" shots; that is multiple shots of moving objects within a second or so. It's amazing if you have a moving object in front of you. Which I usually do. Enter Zoe, the world's craziest chocolate lab.

So what have I been doing with my new, expensive camera? Taking multiple (OK, hundreds) of pictured of Zoe. she now knows what it is like to be stalked by the paparazzi, though she puts up with it, because the paparazzi also feeds her. Maybe the real paparazzi should take the hint, and start bringing burgers and fries with them as a peace offering when they go on "assignment".

I'll shut up now, and share with you some of the goofier snapshots. I dare you not to smile.

 

 

And Happy Dog is Happy. =)

Lemons + Sugar Water = Heaven in a glass

I've managed to cross another one of my "40 by 40" items off of my list: #29 was to make homemade lemonade. No Country Time crap allowed. I'm not even sure why I really put this on my list other than the few times I have had homemade lemonade at street fairs, it was a gustatory orgasm. I guess that can be reason enough.

Who knew there was a recipe? Apparently what makes handmade lemonade taste so good is the ridiculous amount of sugar required. I thought it couldn't possible dissolve in the small amount of water the recipe stated, but, lo and behold, it worked.

See that kids? That's sugar water!

Next came the painstaking task of juicing the lemons. I say painstaking, because I don't own a juicer, not even the cheap little plastic ones that look like a baby's toy. I squeezed all of those suckers by hand. BY HAND!

But, damn, it was worth it!

Screw ambrosia! Lemonade is where it's at!

I wanted to cry, it was so damn good. I will never, ever drink the manufactured crap again. And honestly, the recipe was so easy. I got it off of Allrecipes.com. Click here if you want to create your own handmade, orgasmic lemonade!

Fresh, hot crabs & ditching Ellicottville

So my "40 by 40" list is progressing painfully slow. Painfully. Slow. Which is why I started it over two years before I turn 40...because I'm a procrastinator like that. But I have managed to cross a couple off of the list!

Number 8 was to eat fish caught that day from the ocean. Which I kind of did. Only they were crabs...tasty, tasty blue crabs. On vacation in Delaware, I had to opportunity to attack a mound of these babies, twice, with a little help from some friends.

Fresh, hot, crabs...mmmmmm

Eating these crabs was proof that the "food can be fun" experience can still be had when you're an adult. In addition to the crab, I had the best fresh salmon ever, and a fresh cod fillet. Considering I live in Buffalo, NY, I'm a little worried about the fact that fresh fish is hard to come by, and will be forced to resume eating the frozen kind once more.

Another item on the list was Number 9: Visit Ellicottville for the day. I had always heard others speak of Ellicottville as a great place to go have some fun. I drove through Ellicottville recently, on my way to another destination, and frankly, I was unimpressed. So I visited Ellicottville for the 45 seconds it took for me to drive through the main part of town, and I'm declaring that enough. Unless someone wants to show me the other side of Ellicottville, which makes it something special.

Proof you're never too old to act like a giggling 14 year old girl.

I am way behind on my blog here. Waaaaay behind. Sorry about that. I wish I could say my absence was due to the fact that I rescued and rehabilitated a multitude of blind, three-legged puppies, but I was just being lazy. After the school year ended, I didn't want to do anything that required more thought than, say, breathing.

But I have been having fun. I read a post by Johnny B. Truant which simultaneously reminded me that I am but a blip on the screen, and caused me to grow a pair of cojones for once. I may be a blip, but I was going to start doing epic shit.

Enter The Lowest of the Low. I've mentioned them before, when I decided, if I was going to buy a Canadian, it would be Ron Hawkins. They were playing at Buffalo's Thursday in the Square, which was moved to the Central Wharf. That's Buffalo, always changing their minds.

They were freaking awesome.

Nice close up of Ron on the jumbo tron...

After the concert ended, much too early, people slowly filed their way out of the wharf. My friends, Amy and Janine had enjoyed the concert with me, albeit, I don't think either one of them ever gave thought to actually buying Ron Hawkins. But I'm used to be the oddball, and frankly I don't want anyone else getting ideas about buying Ron, because then there would be a bidding war, and I am working with a teacher's salary here, people!

So as we are slowly filing our way out, we see him. Amy and I start giggling like a couple of choir camp nerds running into Josh Grobin at the supermarket. OMG! It's Ron Hawkins! And because we can sometime be really, really lame, we first tried to do the "fake" pic with a celebrity thing. Notice Amy looking suave, trying to appear next to the blob that is Ron Hawkins' head.

Very smooth.

Looking at this pic on my phone, I began to feel disgraced. I was supposed to be doing epic shit. Not lame-ass shit. So I said what the hell...and actually spoke to Ron Hawkins, even if it was just to ask if he would take a pic with two middle-aged broads.

He touched my back, y'all!!!

Thank God we held it together until he was out of earshot, when we began shrieking like a couple of hormonal teenagers. But, we were epic, AND we had photographic evidence. Take that, universe!

Who wants to drive a Dodge Lady-parts truck?

Between insaneness at work, and an attempted coup by a nasty tribe of bacteria, I haven't had the time to even think of writing a new post. Or maybe this was just the universe's way of telling me to keep my trap shut.

But I'm feeling better! Take *that*, universe!

First thing I just have to share? One of my students (17 years old), enlightened all of us in class one morning by sharing the fact that he believes that the Dodge Ram logo looks "like lady-parts." In his defense...

Graphic from graphicshunt.com

I will never think of a Dodge Ram in the same way again.

Even more disturbing?

When I googled "female reproductive system diagram," a bunch of testes also showed up. Someone out there is very, very confused.

A graphic of the cover for "Spot's Magical Christmas" by Eric Hill also showed up. Someone out there is going to be very, very disappointed when they open their gift this year.