I'll take Ron Hawkins. Thanks for the idea, Google.

I've discovered it's a pretty bad idea to approach Google with any sort of "why" question. While I love their cute, little algorithm that tries to predict what my question will be, it's pretty effed up.

Seriously? There is someone who questions why you can't "own" a Canadian? And there is a higher likelihood that someone will be searching for that answer than why their poop is green (which is a very fair question, I grant you.)

So rather than getting morally enraged at the idea of owning another human being, I immediately think of which Canadian I would like to purchase. Ron Hawkins. Hands down. If you don't know who he is, that probably explains why we aren't friends. Or at least why I won't return your emails.

Ever hear of Lowest of the Low? Well, that definitely explains why we aren't friends. Or why we are friends, since, yeah, I acknowledge that most of my readers are my friends. Who probably already know that I would snap up Ron Hawkins at an auction in a heartbeat. I'd be an awesome owner, mind you. I'd just have him sing a lot, and maybe do some light cleaning. I hate cleaning. And I'd even give him paid time off. How's that for enlightened ownership?